Saturday, November 29, 2008

No White Meat

I did not eat Turkey because I hate birds. Two weeks ago I was on my way to grab lunch near my midtown office, when I was confronted with one of New York's least pleasant occurrences. Lying between Subway and one of those nameless health food stores that sells Luna bars and fat free cookies for twice the price of Key Food was a decapitated pigeon.

This would have been repulsive to anyone, except maybe a budding sociopath, but almost instantly, I thought of chowing on poultry and wanted to vom. Even chicken fingers, which at one point made my list of top 10 favorite foods.

Thinking I was going nuts, I consulted my trusty shrink, Dr. D, who informed me I wasn't. In fact, my reaction was very "common." Although I've yet to meet anyone else who eliminated fowl from their diet after seeing a dead one. She asked if I'd had any negative experiences with birds in the past.

I explained that in first grade, I'd become friendly with a stubby dark-haired girl, Ruby, who lived a block away from me in suburban Boston. She was a friend of convenience. I could tell most of Ruby's stories, like the one about how her short curly hair grew 10 feet in the bathtub, were not true, so when she told me she had a shed of birds in her backyard, I didn’t believe her.

Ruby wanted to show me her beautiful pets and as she opened the door to the old wooden barn, what seemed like hundreds of flapping wings surrounded me on all sides. She'd slammed the door and wouldn't let me out. I was trapped with frantic fowls.

Dr. D. reassured me that after a few months it was very possible my taste for white meat would come back. But it hasn't.

I’m not a vegetarian. I’m a proud meat eating, steakhouse lover, who is opposed to all birds.

My boyfriend of two years has asked me countless times, “When are you going to stop? You’re obviously doing this for attention.” Which sounds harsh, but I’m a bit of an attention whore, so it’s not unfounded. But it’s honestly become a character trait. One that I’m especially proud of this time of year.

-Alyson Gerber

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

good compromise, tofurkey, bad compromise, turducken