Where My Gays At?

In a backwards mode of thinking I don’t ascribe to, all girls are destined to fulfill a particular station. Some are destined to become wives and mothers, successful business ladies, or have it all: man, kids and career. I was born into this world to excel at the art of faghag-dom.

To paraphrase my main bitch Jane Austen, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of an Absolutely Fabulous box set must be in want of a gay BFF."

Well, color me Mr. Darcy.

The day I realized I was most likely to succeed as a bestie to the gays was in high school. The cutest boy ever was a junior and I loved him sooooooooo much. He was artistic, funny, cute, adventurous and like, the best actor ever. He gave me butterflies in my tummy and I wanted to die when I saw him. Eventually, the crush blossomed into a close, fulfilling friendship, culminating in his coming out to me. This happened a couple more times in my teen years. A pattern was developing. I didn’t choose to be a fruit fly. They chose me.

My grooming began at birth. Mom and Dad were still kids when I danced myself out of the womb, and so was MTV. Brash, loud and tacky as hell, the fledgling music channel aired videos by gay icon Boy George, fellow fruit fly Cyndi Lauper and Madonna. The sugary pop music went down like a bowlful of Applejacks, and Cyndi’s hair colors far outshone any color in my crayon box. I was in love. Unlike my fellow Catholic grade school kindergarteners whose square folks enforced rules and structure, cable TV was not verboten to me. I had young, cool parents.

In fact, cable is responsible for just about everything I learned way too soon. Shows like HBO’s titty-thriller and the Hitchhiker taught me every usage of the word “fuck.” While I took in an HBO airing of the first Police Academy movie I became aware of just what homosexuality meant. Remember that scene where those ridiculously stereotyped leather daddies slow-danced at the Blue Oyster Bar? At first, five year-old me was a little puzzled. Then slowly, I figured it out. It was easier for me to accept homosexuality than it was for me to accept Steve Gutenberg being cast as a loveable cad, I’ll tell you that much.

When I wasn’t subjected to highly inappropriate adult content, I was dancing. I love to dance. Always have. While the future homemakers of America played “house,” I was in my room wearing out my Madonna cassette. I replayed “Burnin’ Up” over and over again so I could perfect its choreography. I’d pay a queen’s ransom for footage of six year-old me in Mom’s bra reenacting Madge’s moves. “Do you wanna see me down on my knees, bending over backwards/Now would you be pleased?” Paging Humbert Humbert…

After high school, I took my dance moves out of the bedroom and onto the dance floor. Every Sunday, my older cohorts snuck my underage ass into the Cabaret, Kansas City’s biggest and best gay club for the drag show.



In between stuffing dollars down queens’ stuffed chests as they mouthed Donna Summer and tireless dance sessions among sweaty shirtless hunks, I downed rum and cokes with three limes. This was my first foray into drunky town, so it never occurred to me to hydrate myself. I spent many nights facedown on the cold linoleum of my friend’s bathroom, swearing to gawd that some jerky twink drugged my drink. Looking back, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the case.



Shortly after my 21st birthday, Club Cabaret closed its fabulous doors. Now, there are plenty of other gay bars in Kansas City, but none quite as magickal as the Cab. With no truly inspirational dance parties to turn to, I discovered the theat-tuh.

Kansas City’s Late Night Theatre featured a cast of beautiful drags who excelled at bitchy satire, recreating cult classics like “Valley of the Dolls” and “The Stepford Wives,” as well as their own original productions. My wicked, pop culture-saturated self ate it up. The Late Nighters were fun, genuine, flippant and clever. They threw parties where everyone was a star. It was Kansas City’s answer to a modern day Factory, but with better art and kinder drugs.



But, like the Cabaret before it, LNT too had to close its doors. Fortunately, I maintained lasting friendships with its members. The day Late Night Theatre folded, Kansas City lost a lot of sparkle, and I was ready to move to more thrilling pastures.

Now I live in New York City. The home of Stonewall, Christopher Street and Lady Bunny. And I have like no gay friends. What the hell? Where my gays at? Sure, I’ve been to parties and met some lovely boys who’ve found me adorable and charming and blah blah blah, but they never call like they say they will. I’ve considered taking out a Craigslist ad: “Fruitfly desperately seeking fun-but-not-flaky gay boyfriend for drinks, dancing, ANTM marathons, trips to the MOMA, karaoke and smack talk.” If anyone reading this knows of anybody, hook a sister up.

-Megan Metzger

Happy New Year!

Ah... expectations of '09. You've been keeping me up at night. As I lay in bed with the holiday cheer wearing off like a hangover: sweat and smokers' breath, I've come up with a few theories, each one bleaker than the last of what the new year will bring. I don't know about you, but I'm a consummate believer in low expectations leading to high results. If your expectations are high, then you might as well lay down and let the new year walk all over your tender hopes and dreams.



That being said, I'm pretty sure that in 2009 we'll be driving around in flying cars, or just lifting off ourselves into orbit. I predict streets paved in recycled concrete and cars running on solar power. A return to prohibition times for a whole two weeks before an uproar occurs which leads to the de-criminalization of marijuana. Weekends on Mars and summers on the Moon. I predict lots of strollers, lots of coffins, lots of success and petty failures. I expect some hardships, a moment of grace, and then all that good stuff we've been imagining, dreaming and holding onto, rolling in like waves off an ocean touching the grains of a parched beach.

I don't know what I'm saying. Just publicly publishing dreams I have. People twirling, flying, expanding and contracting, a whole sky full of people playing, laughing, dancing and jumping. In my dreams, no one ever touches. The digital revolution at a high price. Will we become nothing but ideas conversing in an open space of more ideas, forgetting the physicallity of the human experience?



Before I get too carried away let's have a round up of great '08 things:

1) vampires
2) "consumer rebellion"
3) dance pop


4) free shows
5) parties
6) accountability
7) new way of life
8) change
9) green revolution
10) OBAMA

and of course the not-so-great:

1) Palin

2) recession
3) bail out
4) corporate corruption
5) nihilism
6) loss
8) prop 8
9) break-ups
10) rock

and the in-between

1)the digital revolution

For a roaring '09 a couple of bottles of champagne. What's the point of celebrating if what you're drinking isn't bubbly and doesn't light up the inside of your heart and head like a christmas tree? At midnight, instead of searching for that magical kiss supposed to erase all our troubles so we can start fresh, I'll be standing outside looking at the sky and seeing our future written in the stars.

-Kastoory

Holy Shit Holidays!

The economy is in the shitter and everyone I know has been working OT to get that cheddah. The problem now isn’t how much to spend, but when and where to shop. Let’s face it, all that planning and budgeting and list making doesn’t mean a damn thing in the final stretch. There’s always someone you miss and if you work in retail, no time to shop during normal hours. Quick and simple is my motto, wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

Years working behind the counter have made me a pro at holiday shopping in a jam. I know you hate when you get a gift because it’s "soooo funny" and to avoid that item at all costs - (This year? squirrel underpants....I agree...not funny) - here I am, desperate last minute shoppers, passing my knowledge on to you in hopes that someone out there will heed my advice and maybe, just maybe, get one less shitty gift.

Gun Ashtray

We all smoke something sometimes.
(Alphabets NY 115 ave A)

Cheer in a Box


Giving an ornament as a gift is a no-brainer, but giving one worth hanging on their tree, not grandma’s (sorry nana), that’s a challenge. I hate to give credit to the regurgitating hipster monster that is Urban Outfitters, but sometimes they do it right. Their selection of ornaments is off the chain with something for everyone. Diet coke can? check. Glittering handgun? check. Absolutely amazing sparkling Hello Kitty? check and already on my tree.
(Urban Outfitters around the globe)

2CaratCup

Some girls ooze glamour at all times. I’m a fuckin’ train wreck until I’ve had my delectable first cup of coffee. Faux diamonds in the morning brings out the glamourpuss in me. Help out a girl you love and bring some class back to breakfast.
(Alphabets NYC 115 Ave A)

Nort/Recon

Know a guy who thinks he has everything? Hates everything? Just a snob? Hit up Nort/Recon and surprise him with some kicks or a tee that he has to like.
(Nort/Recon NYC 359 Lafayette St.)

XOXO and happy shopping my lovelys
-Amanda S

Sebastien Tellier

(Photos: Nicole Wasilewicz)

At first I thought: this must be a joke. Some sexy, pervy looking Parisian papa in sunglasses whose electronica album (aptly titled Sexuality) is only available in American Apparel stores and contains a song called "Sexual Sportswear”?

Then I listened to the album, felt like Air and Daft Punk made music babies and remembered why I love Paris. I started dancing and haven't stopped. And that's just when I’m listening to the album (and the awesome Midnight Juggernauts remix of "Divine" that my brother posted on his blog).



Seeing this man live completes the equation - which adds sweat, panties in the air, wine and glittery sports coats multiplied by the aforementioned dancing and taken to the fifth power by whiskey.





Amazing.

-Lauren Mooney

Catwoman in Dogtown

I’ve always been a cat person. I identify with their inherent hunger for individuality, their effortless cool, their blasé attitude towards humanity. Also, they have really cute tummies and ears.

Growing up, our household was sans feline because my father was deathly allergic to them. He made jokes about strangling kittens with his bare hands or tossing them in gunny sacks and sending them down a river. As a sensitive eight year-old, I failed to see the humor. His teasing and my indignant silence created an emotional chasm between us. My mother, who also longed for a housecat, among other things, exploited my ill feelings towards cat-hating Daddy to fool herself into believing I‘d be cool with her leaving him.

“Wouldn’t you just love to live in a little house with a sun porch and a kitty?” she would ask.

”Yes!” I exclaimed. Having a sun porch was only second to cats on my list of things I was deprived of as a child.

“But, what about daddy?” I queried.

“He wouldn’t come. But you’d get a kitty!” she countered.

”Can we name it Dangermouse?!?!”

Dirty pool, Mom! Anyway, they divorced (surprising, huh?) and I got the kitty I was promised. A giant Maine Coon. Mom named her Cleo, after my great-grandmother, which was fine. Cleo didn’t really look like a Dangermouse anyway.

At 19 I got my very first apartment on my own, which meant I could get my own cats and name them whatever I wanted. My mother’s cat had a litter, and I picked out a boy and a girl. The brother was a tabby I christened Cletus the Slack-tailed Kitty (he was born with a crook in his tail). Cletus’ sister was a tortoiseshell calico beauty called Stella Marie You’re My Star (I was going through a PJ Harvey phase). They were my bestest buds. Cletus was like, obsessed with me. He watched me shower. He spooned me. He wrapped his little orange paws around my neck and massaged my shoulders. Best boyfriend ever.

Ten years later, Stella’s in kitty cat heaven, Cletus is someone else’s boyfriend, and I’m petless. Strange feelings are stirring inside me. Urges I've never felt before. Puppy urges.

Dogs represent everything I’m against. They’re born with an innate sense of co-dependency, a blind love towards humanity, a dorky disposition that reeks of desperation, and a tendency to eat shoes and dirty underwear. Yeah, okay, they have really cute tummies and ears, but still, not even the cutest lil’ puppers can make up for all that slobbering neediness. Right?

I’m not so sure. I see some pretty cute little buggers messing our Manhattan sidewalks. I wave at them as they’re walked by. Terriers, Labradors, Poodles, Labradoodles. My friend Chris from back home in Kansas City sent me a photo of his brand new beagle puppy Blossom, and my head nearly exploded because she’s so g’damned adorable.


(Photo by Angie McDaniel)

My father, who’s since remarried, lives in Massachusetts with the rest of my family, including a miniature dachshund I named Klaus. My dad loves Klaus. Even if he gets a little sneezy around him, he is not compelled to send Klaus down the river in a gunny sack. I love Klaus too, mostly because the little bugger’s more feline-acting than your average dog.

So, why this newfound interest in newfoundlands and their brethren? Is it because I’m fast approaching 30, meaning I only have like 10 years max to get a baby in me before I’m all dried up?

In my sexually reckless early-to-mid 20s, I never really thought about biological clocks ticking and all of that, aside from the occasional pregnancy scare (thank gawd for Plan B!). Now I realize time’s passing me by, and if I want to make sure at least one living creature will love and need me as long as she shall live, I better get preggers. Or a dog.

And since I haven’t met a dude I want to share a meal with, let alone a child, looks like this cat lady just might do it up doggy style. Yeah, I went there.

–Megan Metzger

No Bueno

People. Out there. In the World. Who go to restaurants. Or salad bars. And order food: Stop saying bueno. 

And gracias for that matter. 

You were raised in Connecticut. You sound ridiculous. 

Here's what I mean: While ordering my salad from one of those Choose-a-Topping places yesterday, the kind where a bunch of Mexicans toss greens, freeze dried chicken and anything else you’d like together before passing it along to another who stands, poised with gourmet axe, asking “is the chop?” before mauling your roughage into small bits, I was dismayed to hear the woman next to me. “I’ll have the shredded mozzarella. Do you have portobello mushrooms today? Oh! And a few water chestnuts, too. Bueno.” The Mexican nodded and chucked the lady’s chosen ingredients in her plastic bowl. “Gracias,” she replied. Now, is that really necessary? I mean, it's one thing if you can carry out the whole "I’ll have the shredded mozzarella. Do you have portobello mushrooms today? Oh! And a few water chestnuts, too?" exchange in Spanish. That's pretty damn cool. 

But to say all the complex shit in your language then casually throw out a "good' in theirs, is that really fair? Like, if I were a salad bar worker in Japan and some chick came in and said "Shi Hu Tsa! Ga Na Nu Nook Dye! Nu Ki Ka! Neokasha. Fi Fruck Dong!....thanks" would I really be psyched that she said 'thanks' in English and not 'I'll have the three egg omelette with spinach and feta, hold the yolks'?

No. I would prefer she not tease me like that. Similarly, there’s no need to be rolling out the bueno. We are not in an open air market in Cuzco. We are on 55th Street in midtown Manhattan. Stop patronizing the good workers. Your busboy doesn't care that you can say the most ubiquitous word in the Spanish language. It's not helping him feel more at home, like you are his sympathetic American ally, or like you two have anything in common. You don't. You are going to spend thirteen dollars on your lunch then go back to your office overlooking Central Park on the 44th floor. 

If you want to be your dishwasher's friend, invite him over for dinner. Until then, can we ease up on the faux-bonding with the immigrants?!

It kind of makes my stomach hurt.

-Sarah S.

Something Fishy in the Fountain of Youth

Working on the Upperish West Side I’ve caught Barbara Walters and Anthony Kiedis lunching al fresco--not together. I’ve spotted a very dazed Jeff Goldblum stumbling around Columbus Circle in a porkpie hat.

One not fun sight is a species of woman I call the rich fish lady. Rich fish ladies are that rare breed of older women who’ve “kept it tight” way beyond menopause. I see RFLs every day, swimming upstream on Broadway for a hair appointment or a light lunch, wearing size 24 Seven jeans, clutching handbags that could pay my rent.



Their hair, an exuberant blonde, is perfectly coiffed, framing a taut face that looks like something out of the fucking Twilight Zone (see episode “Eye of the Beholder”). Mothra-sized designer sunglasses shield bulging eyes that peer over emaciated cheekbones. Then, there’s their mouths. Their fucking mouths. Puffy, protruding, all spackled with gloss, taking up 57% of their total body mass. You’d think with faces that cartoonish these women would have animated expressions, but they’re capable of only mild anger or irate surprise.

I know I’m not breaking new ground here. www.awfulplasticsurgery.com and its ilk have been around since Al Gore invented the Internet. I just don’t understand how any of these RFLs think that having a puffer fish face equals a “fuck you” to aging.



Maybe it’s easy for me to be all preachy, since I’m a genetically blessed older-than-she-looks twenty-something, but what’s wrong with looking older when you’re, well, old? Yes, our culture values youth over the aged, but there are benefits derived from getting old and wizened.



Being a little old lady guarantees a seat on the subway. Younger people look to you as a sage, and if they’re really nice they’ll carry your stuff. You are no longer obliged to follow exhaustive pop culture and current events (who cares! You’re dying soon anyway!) You can be kooky like Edith Bouvier and no one pays any mind ‘cause you’re an old bat and if you want to venture outdoors wearing support hose and a housecoat it’s totally cool.

If you’re an old lady, chances are you have some grandkids. Everyone loves their grandma! Unless, that is, you have one of those mean, VC Andrews’ Flowers in the Attic kind of grannies. If that’s the case, I’m sorry.

I was lucky enough to have a grandma’s grandma. Loretta baked cakes from scratch for dessert every Sunday, slipped $20s in birthday cards and said stuff like “bless her little heart.” After a visit, she’d stand at the window and wave to you as you drove away.

She passed peacefully in her sleep this past October. At the funeral, my family displayed photos spanning Loretta’s 90 years. As a young woman, she was movie star gorgeous, like a brunette Carol Lombard to my grandpa Lester’s Clark Gable.



It was a revelation to see her young, vibrant and gorgeous. I’d always known her as cute lil’ grandma. It confounded me even further as to why the rich fish ladies of the world are terrified of aging as gracefully as Loretta. Wouldn’t it have been grand to see Dolly Parton age into a sweet old lady like June Carter? Dolly’s my fucking homegirl and I’ll never disrespect her ‘cause she’s a precious angel sent down to the Smoky Mountains straight from heaven, but damn, girl, your face belongs in an aquarium.

–Megan Metzger