Mother May I Sleep With Donna?

I love my mom. Times I said that, I would’ve been lying. Now, we have a delightful relationship. Even if she made my home life unsatisfactory at times, it was nothing compared to her childhood. Where there’s love, there needs to be grace too.

Last year I invited Mom to a storytelling showcase I was doing during a visit to hometown Kansas City. Theme was “Teenager of the Year.” The first few performers told stories of horrible, drug-addled mothers. As I was welcomed onstage, my mother whispered, “She’s not going to tell a bad story about me, is she?”

I didn’t. How awkward—airing Mommy issues to a crowd, Mommy included? Save it for a therapist, or the shitty poetry you write and show to no one. Or Barbara Walters, who confronted Tori Spelling on a recent airing of the View.

Tori, like me, took the high road, saying it should be settled between herself and Candy, widow of Aaron Spelling, producer of one of my favoritest shows ever, Beverly Hills, 90210. 9-0 is Tori’s biggest claim to fame for role of virtuous, booty-short wearin’ Donna Martin. Tori. Gob love ya, but my father doesn’t call you “Jo-Jo the Dog-faced Boy” for nothing.

Tori wouldn’t talk about her moms with Barbara, but she didn’t have a problem dishing in her recent “book,” Mommywood.

Now a mother of two, Tori shares the joys and woes of rearing little ‘uns, hoping she doesn’t fuck up their lives as much as Candy fucked up hers. All young Jo-Jo wanted was a normal childhood, not a daddy producing Dynasty and Love Boat, or a house with 400 rooms or a mom named Candy, who constantly reminded Tori what a dog-faced little girl she was.

The line at Tori’s Columbus Circle Borders book signing was surprisingly immeasurable. I didn’t stay (it was a Friday night, c’mon), but I did pass Tori and husband Dean talking to press. I must say, while homegirl was stupid skinny (People at the Borders’ register shows an indignant Tori, caption “I’m not anorexic!”), she was actually kinda cute. Seriously.

Tori’s book tour comes on the heels of her recent guest stint on horribly revamped 90210. The original never won a Peabody, but at least Dylan was a fucking fox and even if you hated Brenda, it was an enjoyable sort of hatred. Annie, the neu-Brenda, portrayed by lolli-pop head Canadian Shenae Grimes is intolerable at best. The show’s blatant Dr. Pepper product placement (they have pregnant teen Arianna, the only likable character on the show, downing Dr. P in her third trimester) is the strongest plot staple. They’ve raped the memory of Jackie Taylor, mother of Kelly and Erin Silver.

If in need of an evil mother, Felice Martin would’ve been fine. Gawd, Donna’s mom was a sanctimonious shrew. Like when Kelly, Donna, Brenda and David tried to sneak into Color Me Badd’s hotel room, and Donna discovered her mom in the arms of a man who was not Dr. Martin? What a hypocrite bitch! I digress.

Tori and Donna both had shit moms. On Candy Spelling’s web site, she more or less blames Tori for Aaron’s death, even though dude was like 107 years old. Not cool. Though we’ve had our rough spots, my mom would never do that to me.

–Megan Metzger