Scandal Sheet: Anything You Can Do, They Can Do Better

If you’re good, they’re great. If you’re great, they’re unbelievably fantastic. Things escalate to high levels, fast. The One-Upper gets nothing out of this besides momentary attention and long-lasting branding as a pathetic prick who needs their ego stroked whenever masturbation won’t cut it.

They can never take a backseat to somebody else’s good fortune. It’s selfish and infantile.

ONE-UPPER: “Oh, you saw Sean Penn in a restaurant? That’s funny, I just spoke to Tom Hanks, John Cusack and Kevin Spacey in a bar, and bought them drinks. Now we’re all best friends, and it’s going to be totally fun hanging in the Bahamas next weekend!”

Even more perplexing than what motivates the One-Upper is how to deal with this person. Do you acknowledge the higher stakes? Do you ignore them and switch topics? My favorite thing to do is engage in a duel of exaggeration.

ME: “The Bahamas, huh? That’s cool. I’ll be stopping there myself, three days into my two month cruise around the world with John Stamos, Will Ferrell, America Ferrera, Jack Black and the Dave Matthews Band.”

Sure, it’s sinking, but mildly amusing fun. Actually pretty exciting. OK, I confess, it’s the best way to spend time!


-Carly Okyle