Thursday, March 5, 2009

Scandal Sheet: Whine Me A River

Rivers Cuomo still sings about not fitting in. I learned this after listening to the radio recently.

There are many levels as to just how annoying this is.

I liked Weezer a lot in high school. I have always been way hot for nerds and he was only third to Milo Aukerman in my young girl masturbatory fantasies, with Michael Nesmith being number one of course. I’ve never been able to properly explain what attracts me to a particular man, but there was something about that mutton-chopped Monkee that made my little fingers head south. Maybe it was his “gee, shucks” accent. Or the fact his mom invented Liquid Paper. Or that he invented MTV kinda. I really can’t say.

Anyway, Weezer. Pinkerton, the band’s second and best record, was one of my high school favorites. Its themes of longing, unrequited love, alienation and intellectual superiority towards one’s peers totally spoke to me, which was comforting ‘cause pretty much no one else did. Or so I think. I’m starting to get the feeling I’m filling my head with these romantic false memories about high school just like Liz Lemon did. All I know is I graduated a reluctant virgin, so something wasn’t kosher.

Regardless of how popular I was or wasn’t, I’m not concerned with these sorts of things 10 years post-high school, so I don’t know why Mr. Cuomo would be 20 years since he’s graduated. I don’t write songs about how I pined over that fucking hippie [name redacted], and how he was only really nice to me because I’d give him rides home after school. So why does Rivers revisit his proverbial high school parking lot over and over again, evoking the same bitter sentiments?

Listen, mister. You’ve reaped critical and commercial success, graduated Harvard, traveled the world as a celebrated rock star, and gotten all the young Asian poon you could stomach. Yet still, you are haunted by never being accepted by peers who you probably didn’t even like anyway. Evolve, dude. Or don’t and hang it up. While some subject matter like drugs and fucking are totally timeless and can be sung by anyone regardless of age, sex or creed, lamenting over being bullied in high school and never being asked to the WPA dance has an expiration date.

-Megan Metzger


wallace said...

ah. I couldn't bring myself to read this. I'm trapped in a purgatory of self-loathed lies, so it's a mirror I'm sure. Then again, it's late, I'm pretty sure I can't see straight (fiction or substance), and happy to see pomp thriving on. making me happy. reminding me that I'm not a category. thanks!

Anonymous said...

i totally get what you're saying here, he needs to move on. or it's going to turn out to be like those old episodes of diane sawyer where he has to confront the bully that made him a genius for a little while, but then turned him into a sad old man. there's plenty he should be grateful about.

Anonymous said...

i freaking love weezer, haven't heard any of the new stuff yet. but pinkerton got me through some awkward years for sure. it seems like it got you through some rough times too. what i'm saying is, don't be mean to river, he's fragile.

Megan Marie Metzger Preston Esquire said...

We're all fragile, but maybe it's time RC got some tough love.

Hannah Miet said...


I love this kick off to the new column. Rivers Cuomo may have been the start of my geek love.

Screw this crap I've had it. I aint' no Mr. Cool. I'm a pig, I'm a dog. So scuse me if I drool.


And this will not shed any light on his continuous use of high school subject matter, but, um, here goes anyway:

Royal Young said...

He needs a good therapist

Kastoory said...

doesn't everyone?